Cinemartyr - CRAZY TOUR STORIES

In this Crazy Tour Stories segment, the math rock band, Cinemartyr, shares one of their stories from being on the road. You can check out the story below:

I believe it was 2011 and we were in Derby in the UK at a venue that shall remain nameless. On a gray day in June we played a large hall to just about 12 people. The promoter, Tim, a punk of abnormal odour, in his late 60s had us on, along with some local acts. We did what we could over a dodgy PA for the small crowd in the cavernous venue. This crowd was made up of some very distinct individuals, though perhaps one word could unite them all; crusty. There was what looked like an army veteran; an older man wearing an ill-fitting green jacket covered in lopsided badges. There were a couple of ex-circus folk, complete with matted hair and heavily stained and torn clothing. There was what might be described as a dominatrix in high heels and pleather pushing around a long haired man in a wheelchair and a host of other colorful characters. The one audience member that cheered for us was an Iranian gentleman who would later show us his large knife that he kept on him at all times. This was by far the most unusual situation we'd been in on the whole tour. Everyone in this crowd seemed a bit on edge, a bit too high or a bit too hungover, who knows. We played, they watched and after a sweaty show the hobbling promoter approached us. I couldn't understand one word he was saying. It seemed like a positive sentiment but between his thick east midlands accent and coarse whisky breadth I couldn't really tell. The dominatrix lady approached me to clarify "Tim's not doing too well today, his dog passed away this week".

The night wore on and we were paid in alcohol. It turned out that this unusual group of misfits liked to party. At around 4am we were finally shown to our sleeping quarters; a damp, dilapidated room above the venue that smelled like dead animals. There were musty, torn posters covering large holes on the drywall and bottles of old piss littered the corners and table tops. Par for the course on tour. We noticed that the room already had a few cots and old mattresses on the floor. There must be someone else staying over, we thought. I turned around to leave the room and go downstairs to get my sleeping bag from our vehicle. As I entered the halway I saw the circus couple, pants down, having intercourse against the wall at the far end of the hall. They noticed me and sidestepped in unison into the bathroom and slammed the door. As the night wore on and we settled into our sleeping bags, more and more members from the crowd that had watched our show started filing into the room and getting into bed. We came to realize that everyone who was at the show lived and slept here in this venue. There was no outside audience at the show. My band members and I looked at each other with that "We are not getting much sleep tonight are we?" gaze.

Thankfully, we awoke the next morning with all our organs intact. It was a hot day though and the smell of dead animal in the room had gotten much worse. As we quickly scrambled to grab all our belongings and get the hell out of dodge Tim came through the door holding a cup of morning Joe. "Hiya fellas" he said through his thick accent "I hope ye slept well. Sorry about the wee smell innit. We put Charlie in the walls. He's with us now for good." I had no idea what to make of this statement and I wasn't going to hang around to find out. As we pulled out of the venue's load-in doc waving at the strange onlookers, I turned to my drummer, knowing he was thinking it too "Was Charlie the dead dog?"

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