Fictionist – TOUR TIPS

In this Tour Tips segment, the rock band, Fictionist, give you their tips for being on tour. You can check out the feature, after the break.

1. If you have a trailer for your gear, make sure other band members know when you go in there. I (Brandon) once climbed into our too-large trailer to quickly grab something deep inside after we had packed it all up. Only moments later the door slams shut and I hear it lock, too off-guard to say anything in those few quick seconds. I did protest and banged on the walls and door (once I climbed back over all the gear). “They must have heard me,” I thought, and then it dawned on me – those silly guys! They’re playing a prank on me. A few minutes passed (still pleading to be let out), then a couple of sharp starts and stops and a block or so later it couldn’t have been a prank. Thankfully I had my phone on me and finally thought to call someone. They finally let me out, barely able to apologize through their laughter. Silver Lining: some dude saw the whole thing and brought me a can of craft beer. Told me never to trust those dudes again. And I never have…

2. If you’re sleeping in the van/bus and go through Arizona do NOT under any circumstances park in a large parking lot expecting a good night’s rest. There is without fail a “security” vehicle driving around all night with yellow lights flashing, and tons of dudes with leaf blowers ostensibly “cleaning” the parking lot. All. Night. Long. At around 3am we got fed up and drove off through a super sketchy neighborhood to find another place to sleep amid the worst insults Stu could come up with at that time in the AM. Namely, “What is this place? I feel like a toothless, hairless dog is gonna come suck my face off!”

3. If you do happen to leave an Arizona parking lot in a rage at 3am, make sure you don’t leave your drummer behind (who happens to be in the Walmart bathroom at the time of your departure). As a fail-safe, at least make sure that everyone has their cell phones on them at all times, even while sneaking away for a quick bathroom break. We only got Aaron’s call after we had re-parked and started to doze off again.

4. Don’t take extra gig promises seriously if they’re coming from a dude who is obviously high on cocaine. We played a show in Kansas (I think) and afterward this dude named Eli came and introduced himself, “great set,” blah blah blah. Invited us to play at his restaurant nearby the next night for $250+free food. Cool for us to get a little more cash and a meal, but it was kinda weird…mostly because he had this weird tic where he would lose his train of thought and keep shaking your hand every 30 seconds or so. Fast forward a day: we get there, Eli conspicuously absent, restaurant staff uninformed but cooperative, order some food, and then play a set for a bunch of people in a restaurant who could not care less about the music (whatever, its money + food). After we play we finally find Eli, who is way less chatty (and probably devastatingly sober) and he refuses to pay. Starts making excuses like we ordered too much food and whatever. Argue for a while, his burly “security” bros trying to look intimidating, and finally get a check out of him – for $100. At least it didn’t bounce.

5. Tour nicknames are real, ruthless, and will stick with you forever. Mine have included “Brandon Dessert-Sitterman,” “Weird Beard,” and “The Bearded Dragon.” I’ll just leave that right there.

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